Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
