Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
