I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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