I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize