My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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