I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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