Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
