I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize