Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize