You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
