why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
