Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
and i looked up. we had an audience...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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