I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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