I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
