im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just found puke in my bra..
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
