I wish I could punch you in the face.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
