my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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