i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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