grandma shit on top of the toilet
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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