I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize