So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
