I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
