Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
they're like a gay fantastic four
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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