its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
