Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
