i think i have two assholes
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I had to cum in my sink.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
