Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
