insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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