I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Soap is not a condiment
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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