she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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