Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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