What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
The Olympian is in my bed
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
