and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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