Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
