Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
