OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
