i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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