He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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