and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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