Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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