Having a random hookup so left but love u
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
