the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
