You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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