i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
