Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
