Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
