is your mom at the bar?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My bed is full of blood and feathers
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
