From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize