Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
