last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
That accounts for only three of the penises
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
