it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
