in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
