i would punch a child for taco bell
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
how does that bad decision feel?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
