You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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