He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
