Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize