My liver just broke up with me...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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