i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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