his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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