I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
