Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
