His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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