I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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