So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just cut my nipple shaving
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
