I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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